An Open Letter Calling For The Establishment Of The Consumer Beverage Protection Bureau (CBPB)
I’m fed up and not going to take it anymore! So I am proposing to my state’s Senators to submit legislation to form the Consumer Beverage Protection Bureau (CBPB).
Dear Senators Casey and Toomey:
I am a citizen of your fine state and am writing to strongly encourage you to submit legislation to establish a Consumer Beverage Protection Bureau. The establishment will serve to protect the citizens of our fair land from the aggressive and deceptive practices of the beer industry.
For too long, the beer industry has been praying on our citizens. Luring us into beverage centers with cardboard cutouts of attractive young women or the likes of Kevin Harvick and Dale Earnhardt Jr. Such marketing tactics have had a disparate impact on those that fancy attractive women and NASCAR fans. Note that I made no reference to the identity of those clearly in the beer industry’s cross hairs as I now have adopted political correctness in my protest letters. And don’t get me started on Busch beer clearly targeting plaid shirt-wearing mountain folk. smh
Once the beverage centers lure you in, past the attractive woman or Earnhardt Jr. cutout, what do they feature? Expensive, high margin craft beer. Not the more reasonably priced Busch. We are bombarded with images and smooth marketing schemes of Troegs, Harpoon, and Flying Dog. The deception gets worse. Anheuser-Busch fools us into believing craft beers such as Elysian, Breckinridge, and Goose Island are brewed in small batches by people with long, scraggly beards. Not so. They are owned by Anheuser-Busch, who is in turn owned by beer conglomerate InBev. From Belgium!
Gentleman, this is our new Battle of the Bulge!
Here is what I propose. Form the CBPB, that is within the Federal Alcohol Administration, yet is not accountable to the FAA or the President of the United States. In addition to investigating such deceptive practices, the CBPB should have examination authority over large beverage wholesalers to ensure that their practices are “fair”, whatever definition they drum up for that term.
Give the CBPB the power to:
– Rescind or reform contracts;
– Demand monetary refunds;
– Disgorgement of violators’ assets;
– Return of property;
– Compensation for unjust enrichment;
– Payment of damages or other monetary relief;
– Public shaming of a beer distributor’s violation;
– Limits on the activities or functions of a person;
– Civil monetary penalties
In this way, the CBPB can stop the practice of beer distributors from upselling a Hoppy Ending Pale Ale to the college student that just wants a PBR. The added compliance costs may put the small beverage distributor out of business in favor of their larger brethren, limit beer drinker choices, and raise prices. But let’s face it, those small operators are not likely to support lifer politications anyway, and who wants that?
No, creating a government bureaucracy accountable to nobody creates jobs, and is a great gig for smart people like Jeopardy winners that can solve complex problems in the form of a question, such as “What is Fair?”
This madness must end! Support the CBPB!
Sincerely, your faithful servant that believes the government can solve what “ales” us…
~ Jeff Marsico